First, lawl reading old journal entries from high school. Fun times (/wrist lol).

Second, I doubt there will be a situation in which it will be appropriate to bring this up, but I really need to get out my thoughts on it right now.

So, I have this friend. He's been pretty emotionally scarred from some bint he dated years ago, and it's always been apparent that he has next to zero good self-esteem. Mostly, if not all, because of that tart, everytime something goes wrong, he always assumes it's his fault...as in, it never even crosses his mind that it might be that he acted normally and the other person was in the wrong. I haven't met her, and I'm not really sure how I would react if I ever did. The only thing the poor kid did wrong was fall in love with a girl who didn't treat him right, and it's not even his fault because, to be cliche', you can't choose whom you fall in love with. Thus, I get this residual anger that I don't really know what to do with. I can't take it out on him because he did nothing to warrant it in my book, but the cunt isn't here to receive my anger in a way I see fit, so that leaves more indirect ways, like poetry or a journal entry. But she's not exactly what I need to talk about. She's just the cause, which is funny because what I really want to talk about is a time when I felt good.

As I mentioned, this friend has a very poor self-image, namely, he can't wrap his head around the fact that his current girlfriend actually finds him attractive, despite the fact that he openly admits to having a "good sex life". But before the girlfriend, he went through the usual phase of depression that happens when a teen goes so much time without a significant other or even plausible romantic interest. You start thinking there's something wrong with you (which was more of an affirmation to him because he already thought that), that you're unattractive, that you're a "bad person" in some way, etc. I know because I went through it myself not so long ago. As much as you're told "Don't try so hard. True love will come when it's meant to," or "You just haven't found the right person yet," and even when you believe it, it's still disheartening when you have friends who seem quite happy in a relationship and yet you're only with your hand and some mental images (or pornos as the case may be).

Anyway, so, I knew how bad he was feeling, and it made me sad because he asked me out on a date. He admitted that I was attractive to him, but I think he was also desperate to try any available avenue to soothe the loneliness. I completely understood because I was alone, too, and it was almost worse for him because he had -had- an intimate relationship and was missing it, whereas I didn't have anything to miss. I only had hopes inspired by stories of other people's relationships. I was shocked at first when he asked me, but when I thought about it, it wasn't really that surprising. What killed me was that I knew I wasn't attracted to him at all, and as much as I wanted to help boost his self-esteem, I valued him as a friend too much to lie. I was so sad to think that I was promoting his poor self-image by telling him that I wouldn't date him because he wasn't attractive, but I really didn't want to waste his time or mine when I could save us both the trouble and not even go there. So I told him the truth, and, when one of us broached the subject later (I can't remember who said what when), I made it as clear as I could that he was in no way to think that he's universally unattractive. I felt so terrible about the whole thing that I basically lectured him about how people have different preferences in potential mates and, just because he isn't "the guy for me" does NOT mean that the same is true for every girl in the world. I think I eventually got through to him because he seemed generally open to my responses, but what really made me feel better was the simple action of him standing up and hugging me.

For most people, this action of hugging is nothing particularly remarkable. But for this friend, it really is a sort of honor to be hugged by him. Whatever the cause, he's very neurotic about his personal space. Anytime someone invades that space, he instinctively flinches, and therefore is generally uncomfortable with anyone aside from his girlfriend touching him. With his current girlfriend, he's super touchy-feely, but with everyone else, he'd prefer verbal declarations of friendship rather than physical ones. So, generally speaking, he doesn't like other people to touch him and he prefers not to touch them either. At the time I pretty much knew this about him, so when he hugged me, it was the biggest shock of all, especially because it happened so fast. One moment he was sitting staring at me, and the next we were standing with his arms around me. Of course I hugged him back, but it was just one of those moments where it really hit me that this was his way of showing that I made a significantly positive difference in his life that day...or at least that's how I like to think of it. I'm almost afraid to mention it because he might deny it or diminish it in some way, and I really like the feeling that he thinks he's better off having me as a friend than not having me in his life at all. Whatever the case, it's the memory of that random day in the dining hall that nearly brings me to tears when I think of it because it's a reminder that I really can help other people, even when I think I might be hurting them. Whether I ever tell him or not, I will cherish that memory for the rest of my life.